Long Distance

I have never been a fan of long distance relationships, especially the kind that start as long distance. I mean sure if you have a solid foundation to work with and then one of you is required to leave or move for a set amount of time (i.e. Military, job training, prison, etc.) understandable. But when I was in High School, I thought I was so in love with my high school sweetheart and him leaving to boot camp wasn't so bad, even though our relationship was not that solid... then he was stationed to leave to Japan for 2 years!

Yes my young 16 year old heart was crushed, because I knew it was more chance than less that we wouldn't last. I tried to keep hope and we had our "open" relationship of when you come we are together and I love you and we will always be a couple but you do you there and I will do me here. I dated another boy, he did whatever there but when we talked we acted as if it were just us and our life together would be rose bushes and smiley faces...

I left to College and him and I just knew we would get married and have 3 kids. Things happened, we both failed and yet we remained each others "Forever" at that time. Being long distance wasn't hard I just knew it would never be possible for me. I needed direct companionship. we lasted a couple more years of going back and forth, dating others and always coming back to one another. We made rules and timelines. After 9 years we knew it was over. I had an idea of the couple possible good men I strung along while waiting for him and I;m sure he had a pretty lengthy list of chicks. He ruined any chance of me ever thinking long distance relationships work. I know a lot of guys who had women wait for them when they left to prison, some waited some didn't, hell some didn't and they are still together. So I figured some peoples long distances can work , it's just not for me.

Well as you guys know (I think), I have started a long distance relationship with a man, before having a strong in person foundation. We went solely off what we already knew about each other and how much we had in common. Which is pretty scary that we have almost the same brain. But I was honest up front and told him, I don't know how long it can work being so far because I'm not a long distance person. But now it's been months later and we have seen each other numerous times and spent some of the best days together whether on Skype, Phone and yes even in person. For example when we saw each other for the first time after we decided to make a go of it, we laid on the couch (me still in my jacket) for almost 2 hours. no talking, no kissing, no groping, just holding each other in silence. I knew I loved him right there. Since that day, we have stayed strong and guess what? in 21 days we no longer be long distance!

I love Bruno Mars, like everyone should. Okay maybe a little more! but this song said every word that we both felt and I am so glad we will never have to be a long distance relationship again.. you know unless I gotta go deep undercover for the CIA or something...

So I am no longer skeptical to long distance relationships anymore. I even talked to a good friend of mine about him taking the leap and risking it for a woman he really cares for that lives far. You gotta take risks in life and make the first step or you could miss out on your everything. I'm sure glad I did!

I found a letter

Today I was going through a stack of random papers to decide what needed to be tossed, shredded and filed. I came across a bunch of random stuff, some funny, scary and even sad. There were some things that I have held on to for who knows what at the time and it has been sitting and traveling in that pile for years! Here is something I jotted down at some point in time and reading it today it makes so much sense. I wish I remember what was happening in my life when I wrote this.

You can sit around and sulk while you wait for “THE ONE” to come along, settle for the one who will string you along or have fun with who you love spending time with and figure out if they enjoy you enough forever.

Sometimes the person you have the most fun with and love may not be your spouse or significant other. You just may realize it is yourself.

When you learn to love yourself unconditionally, flaws and all, you stop looking for someone else to and find someone who compliments your love.

When you think of the person you want to be with forever, you have to know it’s someone you can have every conversation with, not always agree, can’t stay mad at, makes you smile at the sound of their name and most of all your best friend.

Love is the easiest emotion to feel and the hardest to let go.

I have some other stuff I forgot about and I may share it one day with you all. I had a conversation with my boyfriend last week and he said he read some of the stuff I posted here. It was funny to me because you all know I’m an open book. I don’t do things I would be ashamed to repeat or have found out. He asked me if I would ever write a blog and hint at him or full out just be about him. I told him I hadn’t thought of it… but now he put the bug in my ear and I’m sure it will happen. 

I could write about how we met, how our friendship progressed into what we now have, how these last couple months of knowing him has changed my own personal thoughts of a lot of subjects. I haven’t changed my opinions or wants because of him, I changed them because I grew into a better person while I was meeting him. He came into my life when I was starting to renew myself and let go of things I had been trying to get away from. I let go of so much and I felt good. I started doing things differently, acting different and caring different. I changed and he just so happened to be there at the end of the change, when I was ready. 

It scares me to put in writing a lot of things because that is usually when things change. Like there is this mythical being out there that waits for you to put pen to paper or for some people ink to skin, and says “oh no, I will prove you wrong.” Couples break up after they get a name tattooed on their body. Friends fall apart when they post pictures together online. Even though I may bow out gracefully without a word shared and sometimes I go right in and put someone on blast – you know that I really care when I say your name, for you to see and share my disappoint or disagreement with something you have done. Otherwise, you never really mattered and it’s not worth the time. It’s funny, cause there are about 4 people reading this and wonder if it’s them… Yup. You ain’t worth it. 

Things happen in life and you have to figure out who is really there with you, along for the ride or waiting for you to pick them up. I am well aware who I have in my car.

10 Shades of Nikki

PART 1 of Request series -

I was talking to a friend of mine today and she said I haven’t written any randomness in a while. So I was given a task for a blog, I will complete it today. Topics are 1.Ten shades of Nikki 2.Wanna get away 3.Now what? 4.need to eat 5.random  - After much debate I realize I will write a separate blog for each topic… Damn she really gave me great topics!

1.       Ten Shades of Nikki – I’m only going to share 10 things (cause we know it may be 1 or 2 more) I have done that were shady or grimy … all in the same it was funny to me at the time. These will not be in any order of age at time of incident, just stuff that’s happened.

·         Friend of mine drove in from another city to visit his family, he had liked me for a while and I always brushed it off. I had every intention this time to sleep with him, cause I was bored and broke up with my boyfriend about a month prior. So we were chilling in my room (watching tv nothing happened) and he was like :

Him: Can I take a Shower before I head to my parents house for dinner?

Me: Yeah go ahead

He goes in bathroom, which is connected to my bedroom, leaves the door open and takes a shower. Now I have a clear shower curtain and was almost tempted to go sneak a peek but I assumed that was what he wanted and I’m still trying to play hard to get. So once the water goes off, I hear…

Him: Hey I forgot a towel can I have one?

Me: Sure here I come

I get to sneak a peek and still seem innocent. I get in the bathroom, curtain pulled aside, I look him in the face (using all peripherals), hand him the towel. 

Him:You okay with me using some of your lotion and moisturizing while you watch?

Me: Obviously a towel and lotion ain’t the only things you forgot…

I left the bathroom, upset that  he thought coming at me like that for the 100^th time naked was gonna get me. He came out the bathroom and was mad that I pretty much told him he was lack in the slacks and I was far from impressed. I let him lather up, put on his clothes and paid him no mind. Walked him to the door and hugged him goodbye. I then called my 2 bestfriends and cracked up laughing. I went downstairs and my roommate asked why my company left so fast? I explained through laughter what happened, my phone rang, I answered on speaker laughing and

he says: I can’t believe you did me like that! 

Me: Man Homie I figured you had more to offer! I need to call my ex and see how he is doing, I gotta go!

·         So I did like a lot of women, I thought the only way to get over someone you loved was to sleep with someone else, right away. So I had a friend guy who said he was willing to let me use him once or 10 times to get over the great sex the ex and I had… that ended after he said – “DO you have to keep saying his name to get there? I mean our names ain’t even close, the boy’s name is one syllable, mine is 2. His name doesn’t rhyme or even resemble mine. It’s not helping if you’re doing me and yelling his name. Shit don’t make me feel helpful, it’s fun and all but it’s kind of making me feel bad.” So after I told him he gotta get what he can and shut up, but that he was right, he just didn’t match up or compare to him so I couldn’t help but say his name – he stopped being my friend all together… Little Bitch.

(photo courtesy of - http://shotgungoesbooyah.com)

·         My homegirl kept calling me and asking me to do stuff with her. I had already decided that not only had we nothing in common, I didn’t like or respect her as aperson. Instead of having her feelings or hurt or two faced ass talk about me, I always made myself busy. I stopped updating facebook for a minute, responded to texts like 3 hours or more later. She got the picture and now only contacts me once a year. Grimy but so glad I am rid of her and she has no clue how it happened.

·         I seduced my homeboy, I knew had a girl.

 (photo courtesy of - http://www.bugcomic.com/comics)

·         I taught my friend how to cheat on his girl and get away with it. I hated that Bitch. Come to find out she had been cheating on him the whole time. I told him to tell her him and I had been having an affair the whole time I smiled in her face . We were stupid and I was like 16, I had never even had sex yet! Whenever I saw her after that she looked like she wanted to kill me. 

 (photo courtesy of - http://www.diggercomic.com/comics)

·         A chick I was kinda close to really needed help or just someone to talk to, for the 50^th time that week. I had a revelation that I was always there for her and she was never around when I needed the same. So when she called and my man at the time was there, I answered, put her on speaker and mute, placed the phone on the coffee table and we started to have sex. I thought it was the best way to pass the time until his dumb ass thought it was a good idea that when she paused waiting for a response was a good time to unmute it and let her hear us panting and moaning. BASTARD! She asked what I was doing and all I could do was hang up! We haven’t been as close since.

(photo courtesy of - http://beautifuldecay.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/alva-bernadine-sadie-coffee-table-565x366.jpg)

·         I received a picture of someone and I showed everyone how embarrassingly small he was while sending me texts about what he would do with his “giant snake” << really those were his words. His “giant snake” was about half of this sentence long. No lie. 

(photos courtesy of - http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures)

·         I constantly laugh at my ex husband’s inability to speak English properly.

·         I lied and told an ex who was starting to do stalkerish shit, after I found out he was married and had 5 kids, that I was getting married and moving away with my husband because he was so extremely jealous and controlling. I told him my husband said if he seen his name on my phone one more time he was coming from him. ___ fast forward 4 years later, he called my phone and asked if I was still married. I told him no cause my husband assaulted a guy from work who called me to see where I left something at and was doing 10-15 years for attempted murder.

·         I told my ex all I wanted was for him to be happy and would support all he decided to do. (I wanted him to decide to die)

Okay there goes ten shady or grimy things I’ve done. I’d say more but I would just look like a whore because they mostly are all to men and some of them would show about when in time they happened, which isn’t a good idea. 

Stay tuned to read Parts 2-5….

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

Private Dancer, no...

The weekend has been a lovely, eventful I'm sure weekend. If I could remember everything it'd be better, but this money in my purse tells me it doesn't matter and probably best I dont.

Thinking back I remember a month ago talking with the security guard at the mall I work at about needing extra money. The story of every 19 year old college dropout, working 2 jobs and deferment is over. She told new and my friend about driving across state lines to this club that has amateur nights and the people pay big. My friend and I set up a weekend trip.

The plan was my friend would do it first night and see how bad it was, how much she made and if I should do it. She head danced before but her lack of rhythm made her nervous. The whole 6 hour trip we talked about scenarios and code words. We discussed if this worked we would do it once a month.

We pull up, place is packed and hadn't even began a show. We walk in and speak to the lady we set it up with and she asks what we are drinking. Hands us a bottle of 1800. No cups just some napkins, shows us tio back room and says "i just washed some costumes if you ladies dont have any, most newbies dont but give it a month and its all you will be shopping for."

I picked this pink and green costume of course. We start drinking from the bottle, no chaser.I'm determined to go on stage now. I feel comfy and we know that means I feel flirty.

I stumble up the stairs, hear my name and see my friends scraping money off the ground. I walk out and realize the lights are so bright you can't see who is inn the audience. You smell cigarettes, sweat and breath. I found a table of guys to focus on. Even from the opposite side of stage I was dancing for them. I never touched a pole before so I'm not busting my ass tonight. I did just twirl around it and use it as a prop. The men liked it. I was popping and grinding, shaking titties and all. What seemed like 2 hours was 5 minutes and I was done.

I grabbed my bucket and cash. I was high off 1800 and adrenaline. I saw my homegurl, who was cheesing ear to ear. I complimented her performance, she said the same. She says she got $900 give our take. We begin to count mine and get $1053!!! Def coming back tomorrow. The lady comes over and says we are being requested for drinks. We oblige and now I'm here...

I vaguely remember shaking ass, lots of liquor and counting a total of $5200 before we left the hotel. It was a good weekend and we will be back.


...we never made it back. But at least its out of my system. That was fun.

It's been a while...

So it is 2011! Wow, this shit snuck up on us pretty fast! Well I was privy to read a friends writing today that made me remember blogging. He said I should write again to get it out... let's see how long this can go for...

I have found many things have changed in my head and in my life the last couple months and I have stopped the feelings I once had for a couple friends in midst of 2010. I still have been dealing with the guy mentioned in an earlier blog, by dealing i mean, dealing with trying to keep him away. He is a horrible bother sometimes and I hate getting messages from him still. Towards the end of 2010 I told him that his purpose has been served and his services are no longer needed. He thought it was harsh or that I was just being my asshole self. It was both. 

I miss blogging but I often wonder what should I blog about? what would you like to read? my erotic stories of past encounters? What I'm doing in life in general outside of working my ass off!? Me bitching about the stupid people I know? a Little fiction (of course with fact thrown in)?

I want to entertain you... I plan to one day start charging for my mediation/consulting, so get in now or pay later. I am just about done with my Second concentration of Master's Degree, I am currently a member The National Association of Professional Women and of Alpha Phi Sigma - The National Criminal Justice Honor Society. Yeah the chick is smart despite all the craziness and stupid decisions of the past.

So I will let "Mr.Deacon Hayes" pick what the next blog should be about. whatever he asks for me to write, I will do since he got me to sign in today.

"it's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on"

Old Blog from Nov.2007

As you will see I had just moved to Miami:


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Just my thoughts, Just what I was thinking at the time...

Well, well, well… Where do I begin with this blog? It is long overdo. So I have done a lot since I moved to Florida as well as I haven't done much of anything while being here. Since I have been here I haven't done a lot of things like going out or having a bunch of fun. I came here for a purpose and that purpose is on its way to being achieved. I am currently working a full time job and a part time job that I'm getting 30-35 hours a week at. So it feels like 2 fulltime jobs and right now I'm cool with that. I need to make some money before school starts so I don't have to worry about what I can spend on.

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So that being said, lets talk about other stuff and you al know that means random babble….

So my fulltime job is nice. I am working for the company that was ranked 1 for Customer Service by J.D Power & Associates in 2007. So if you want to know where that is – look it up! I won't name it here. At that place the people I have trained with, trained me are GREAT! I actually feel like we get along so well that when training is over and we may get split up, it won't be the same. I know some people the job is getting to them and I know that they won't make it thru training or maybe a month after. However for me, I like it. And as long as I go there every afternoon at 4:30pm and keep my game face on until 1 am, I'm good. It is definitely a place to grow at, to stay at while I'm in school and to I could even build a career in the Law Department someday. Sure it is in New York, but hey if that is where the good Lord takes me so be it. I would love to stay in Miami forever but if offered to go to New York even for a couple years of corporate experience before doing my own thing is cool…

Now my Part time job, I really can't mention the name… They actually make us sign some shit about it… so don't name it here please, for real for real. I get to work some days with a good friend, hahaha even though we don't really get to kick it at work together on the rip and run. It's a fun place and I'm learning stuff there everyday. I'm sure you've all been to this place before it is place of business in most Great Malls. To show its prestige I can tell you it has a huge stake on The Magnificent Mile! They people there are nice, cool and unique.

I'm telling you guys, I have been seriously working, Like really working! I am putting in 65-75 hours a week between two places, add in the driving from my house to the far one, to the close one and then home! I'm driving an average of 2-2 ½ hours a day, JUST TO GET TO WORK! If that ain't some fucking dedication and grind, I don't know what is. So If I haven't had time to call you, write you, message you – I'm sorry. But don't talk shit about how I forgot about you or don't call you when you don't even attempt to get a hold of me. My Big Brother, who is locked up even tries to get a hold of me when he thinks I'm available. My other Big Brother has told me he recognizes my hard work. My Sister sees it and I hope it inspires her. She deserves so much more! But she knows that. I still have my best friends who all 3 hold it down for me. One of my best friends I haven't even spoke to in more than a month and I'm done trying. He got a real fucking rude awakening when I get home and ain't got nothing to say to him. I don't understand how we been there for each other so much and now I can't get a hello. It's cool it shows me who is really there for me. THANK YOU!

Some people that I have met living here and met once I moved here, I gotta let you guys know you have helped me adjust to this life here. It's great! You know who you are and one day you guys will maybe meet my best friends… SO Renia, Faye, Christal and I guess my Boys Alex and Jay I love joking with ya! It's been great knowing you guys and no matter where life goes, let's make sure we stay cool. Catch me on a day off so we can kick it you party animals… lmao! My fam here, thanks for holding me down you know who you are.

So Movies, Music, Videos – I'm glad Shawn Carter is back! American Gangster, good, but I wish it depicted the real story better. Really makes you think about life and how I grew up, scary how things can just happen and what the picture is. I don't get to watch much TV anymore but when I do I love NY is getting good, Pretty is so cute to me! The Hills, good! Spencer's ass needs to go. Today I get to catch up on General Hospital! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY.. okay I'll let you all go… leave good comments I am gonna print and mail in a week and mail to my brother with Thanksgiving pictures….

Peace, Love and Money… 

Nikki 

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Funny thing is the only above person mentioned that I said was a friend is Jay... he moved back to Boston shortly after this. Cristal and Ebony from American Express became very near and dear to me (love those chicks!) and Alex became a bestfriend (love that kid as well) ! I have only met maybe a couple more people since that have stayed constant for me. I'm finishing my Masters! I have 1 class left. and life is going pretty good!